livejournal is now my notebook, and I said it first

People buy things to realise their aspirations, or to raise their stakes from smart acquisitions.

Philanthropy is the gateway to power--there are few people who get to decide what will happen in the world. What realisation to be one of those people! You could be the only one who unveils something before it gets knocked down in a hundred years to make way for a new multi-storey carpark or shopping mall.

Stability leads to the slow death of comfort while change can bring the inspiration of hardship.

I was wondering the other day, what is a normal life? So I asked the almighty machine that is the internet and found something profound on a website which also asked this question for the benefit of those who have congenital heart defects. If anyone has just cause to wonder what a normal life is and how to lead it, these people must qualify. The answer turned out to be much simpler than I thought it would be! A normal life is something very relative which must be interpreted in context. How does one lead such a life? By finding a synthesis between your expectations of life and your expectations of your surroundings, but above all by seeking happiness.

You will never, ever again be as young or as beautiful as you are right now, in this moment. Which might be the best reason yet to post photographs of yourself on the internet.

How can one person make an impact on the world before they die? Being a stand-up comic can't be the only way... there must be another sort of thing you can do to immense critical acclaim which would be a bit more memorable as soon as people got out of the theatre. Perhaps you could stand outside the theatre on the nights of performances doing your own act. Mine would just be yelling at people. What would I yell? I don't know, thats probably why I'm not very memorable at the moment.

Straight people buy the same things gay people do, just a few years later with a department store label.

I was looking on the internet to see if Tamsin Greig had done any stand-up routines like her co-stars Dylan Moran and Bill Bailey. She hasn't, but I did find out that she'd been voted the nineteenth "most powerful" comedic force in the United Kingdom, which in itself is powerful funny!

holy jumping fucking shitballs batman

I've cracked a little and am looking for any work going on in the evening in order to break the monotony.

I grabbed the number for some fucking guy at the pub and rang to see if they truly needed people. I cannot for the LIFE of me believe that publicans require resumes from people wanting to tend bar (it must be shorthand for "We've already hired enough people but didn't take the posters down, sorry"). Most of the applicants must include a name, a phone number, and an assurance that the person can pull a beer and has an RSA certificate. I actually asked the guy if he'd been huffing paint, and he said "What?" which I believe is publican shorthand for "Maybe."

On the other hand perhaps they want graduates of hospitality school. Come to think of it thats definitely what it is, there's a school for every useless centre of learning. Bicycle riding school, jerking off school, pig-baiting school, cutting up vegetables school, basket-weaving school, playing-with-noodles school-of-thought, you name it. What has the world come to when every nitwit running a business wants someone to have gone to three years of college and four years of postgrad training in order to stack shelves?

Pretty soon the IQ of this country will have slipped so many points that all you'll need to get into uselessly stupid training courses will be a hundred thousand dollars of your parent's money and a pencil.