incidents and outages that have a significant customer impact

Note for future reference: If you're inviting someone to a social occasion where there is live music, and they say

"What if I don't dance?"

(not unlike a whinging crybaby who can't stand going outside the house without their parents), then the correct response to give is;

"Then move over for the people who do."

*hahahaha*

Another true happening, fortunately or non...

"You wanted a coffee?" he asked, seemingly innocently

"Well yes, but I can't have one now becasue there's no water and I can't lift the new water bottle onto the water cooler becasue you'll make me laugh and then I'll be like something out of die-hard with a penchant for idiocy running around the office with a 20-litre water bottle which is leaking water onto the carpet and pissing biggles off in the floor below." said I displaying great caution and trepidation

"Oh well, running around getting everything wet and breaking all the computers..." he said, putting coffee and sugar into cups

"Yes, exactly like that, now yes I'd like a coffee," said I, like an idiot, lifting the water bottle onto the cooler.

"Okay I'll just pour you one of these coffee's thats been brewing in the sink over the weekend then shall I?", pointing to the cups of festering grot that have been in the sink gathering... mould for quite some time now "Would you like some help with that bottle of water before you drop it on your foot and have to go to the hospital?"

"Yes please, you bastard", I replied through clenched teeth holding back the gales of laughter.

"Oh well, we're out of milk too, unless you want to drink mud." he said to the tune of the last pitiful drops of milk dribbling pathetically into my mug, mingling with the inky blackness.

"No thanks, I think I should go to the shop before something terrible happens, especially considering I've been awake since about 4am for whatever perverse reason my body wouldn't let me sleep for this time."

"Okay well a walk to the shop then must be in order?"

"Perhaps, but first I must obtain sunglasses, because its way too bright outside to be normal."