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the staccato drone of spontaneous monotony
Nov. 5th, 2001 12:57 pmSo I'm sitting here writing exit console scripts... YET again. Oh well at least its starting to get a little less monotonous, and I understand more javascript than I ever really thought I would have even attempted in a month of mondays.
I've come to the conclusion that JavaScript is an invention of the devil.
Yet not so much as emotional uproar is a tool of generic evil. Hooray. I was rather depressed last night, but in a weird way.
Am I being selfish for wanting to be involved in people's lives? Is that bad for some reason? Why should it be thus anyway? Its none of my business really.
I also had a hard time feeling heartless for realising that I felt such a way, and given that I don't have any right, rhyme nor reason to be involved in the lives of my friends in the way that I felt I wanted to be (strange already, isn't it?), but that didn't stop me feeling such a way.
Maybe my emotional states don't influence my thinking enough; but that would lead me onto another tangent about how my emotions seem to be dying the slow death of terminal tuberculosis (meaning that they're gasping in an effort to survive). About the only thing that makes me incredibly upset anymore is the realisation that I find it hard to be upset, or to feel certain ways that I know I should.
Weird.
So anyway last night I was trying to understand whether I needed to be looking for a way to change my life. What would I do in order to stop the distress certain aspects of myself as a person causes me?
I couldn't stop the windmills turning last night either, which is probably bad since I'll wind up creating another personality through lack of sleep. My very own Tyler Durden, if you will.
Although, if I took that to be a literal interpretation... could I even change through virtually no effort on my part? Intelligent, capable, look like I want to look, fuck like I want to fuck... and most importantly; to be free in all the ways I am currently not.
*heh*
Not likely, but its a lovely thought nonetheless!
I've come to the conclusion that JavaScript is an invention of the devil.
Yet not so much as emotional uproar is a tool of generic evil. Hooray. I was rather depressed last night, but in a weird way.
Am I being selfish for wanting to be involved in people's lives? Is that bad for some reason? Why should it be thus anyway? Its none of my business really.
I also had a hard time feeling heartless for realising that I felt such a way, and given that I don't have any right, rhyme nor reason to be involved in the lives of my friends in the way that I felt I wanted to be (strange already, isn't it?), but that didn't stop me feeling such a way.
Maybe my emotional states don't influence my thinking enough; but that would lead me onto another tangent about how my emotions seem to be dying the slow death of terminal tuberculosis (meaning that they're gasping in an effort to survive). About the only thing that makes me incredibly upset anymore is the realisation that I find it hard to be upset, or to feel certain ways that I know I should.
Weird.
So anyway last night I was trying to understand whether I needed to be looking for a way to change my life. What would I do in order to stop the distress certain aspects of myself as a person causes me?
I couldn't stop the windmills turning last night either, which is probably bad since I'll wind up creating another personality through lack of sleep. My very own Tyler Durden, if you will.
Although, if I took that to be a literal interpretation... could I even change through virtually no effort on my part? Intelligent, capable, look like I want to look, fuck like I want to fuck... and most importantly; to be free in all the ways I am currently not.
*heh*
Not likely, but its a lovely thought nonetheless!
