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[personal profile] qwiddity
I've been an idiot, I've had this pointless argument in my head that trust is unfounded and fictional because of our innate self-interest and evolutionary selected selfishness. But trust, like belief, or hope, is not arn argument which can be subjected to reason, and it's time to take a leap of faith. I can't believe I won't make mistakes again, but I hope they'll be different, less harmful mistakes. I think I have been afraid of changing my self-induced mistakes, to improve, because of a belief which is intruding - that I cannot be the person my family, my close friends, my lovers wish I was. But maybe I am better than I think. Maybe the universe is just deterministic enough that I could be, or am exactly the person they need me to be. Still, it's difficult when you feel like you're easily replaced, like a family getting a new puppy, or a puppy getting a new fillet steak. New and intriguing is someone or something else, now you're chewed and worn, except for those who have difficulty letting go of the old. Like an old leather jacket I cannot help but love those I've become accustomed to even more. Now we've been together enough for a comfortable fit, replacing that feeling splits the seams. That isn't to say I even know if I won't want another puppy or fillet steak ever again, which seems kind of selfish. Yet, the heart wants what it wants. There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you, because they won't change. I can't help but feel at fault when she needs someone else, I kept hurting her. Why do that? Who did that make happy? Is she happy? I just want her to be happy, and I thought it couldn't be possible with me. Life experience teaches everyone who survives long enough that eventually any action will always have consequences. Part of being a mature adult is learning to accept them and take responsibility, so after doing wrong, apologising is necessary. I'm sorry.

I've been thinking about my irrationality, and I've come up with a rational explanation. I dislike letting go of the past, especially the good moments which form the foundations of my memories which compose my sense of self. So I cling to any negative interaction in the hope that experiencing bad things beats forgetting that anything ever happened at all. It almost works, but all I'd have to to is change reality to fully realise the grounding for the reasoning. I didn't start any of my relationships, but I had the chance to end them before things became terrible, but I didn't, because I love her because I'm human, all too human, and it's human to hang on. That's because nobody can be truly rational about their emotions, otherwise they wouldn't be emotions. The rational mind wants everything to be physical, tangible, because that would make the reality of our emotional lives simpler - unhappiness could be cured. Misery, anger, regrets are difficult things to reconcile the rational self to dealing with, which wants to medicate or reason problems into nonexistence. I have unresolved issues, and my relationships embody the unresolved issues. I've made the choices I've made because I'm a deeply unhappy person, but even in despair everything I do I've done to fix my life, because I need sympathy, because I wanted to piss people off, because I can't get over anything, or because I was moving on (or trying to), because I want to know what it's like not to live in pain, or because I wanted to feel more pain because somehow even through everything I feel I deserve the hurt.

It's not over, but at best I can only say I completely miscalculated. All the hurt feelings I've caused never disappeared into the mists of time which heal all wounds, at least not yet. They came directly back to strangle me, because nothing which matters is ever over.


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Nova Aurata Quiddity

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